I had reached maximum millennial heaven.
With my thousands of Instagram followers, an online business that I could #workfromanywhere, sipping overpriced smoothies and lattes, living my best life, I was sitting on top of a rooftop infinity pool in Thailand. Which is exactly where the problem began, I was the epitome of #livingmybestlife.
I worked really hard to get to this spot. I went full force into building a business backed by a mission that I was head over heels in love with. I had no business background and as the child of two librarians, which is pretty much the opposite of an entrepreneur, I was pretty dang proud of myself. I invested in business mentors, and start up costs, I read all of the self help books, and binged on business success podcasts. On the outside, life looked pretty freaking awesome.
The Trap…
Everywhere we look these days someone is trying to sell us their version of freedom. Whether it is as intentional as a Facebook ad with the Six Steps To Six Figure Success, or as unintentional as a perfectly curated Instagram feed. In whatever direction we look, we see a message that life can be better, that someone has the secret formula, or telling us that person’s life is better than ours is. Add in the fact that we are typically mindlessly scrolling through social media channels, and you have yourself a recipe for disaster.
I was fairly naive when I start the path towards my dream. It was so refreshing, the time before I was targeted by freedom lifestyle ads or before I had filled my Instagram feed with people living a life that looked like the one I wanted. It was just me + steps into a dream that I desired. I only knew two things for sure when I started: I wanted to travel more, and I wanted to help people define their happy. It was all so simple.
The more steps I took, the more help I felt like I needed, so I became a full time consumer. Opting in to the idea that I did not have to reinvent the wheel, people already did it for me! How great is that?! It really sounded like my best bet.
Somewhere along the way it all went from simple path towards my dreams to a tangled mess, I didn’t know where I began and another influencer ended.
I took on story after story that I needed to rush into five figure months, that I needed to backpack through Southeast Asia, and make sure I was meditating for thirty minutes into a journaling routine and drinking a green smoothie with these exact supplements in it all while doing yoga and chanting my mantras every morning, I needed to go live on Facebook all the time, and make sure my photos five days a week were perfection.
Somewhere along the way I forgot my mission and how I wanted to show up for my clients, I forgot my bucket list, and most importantly I forgot how to tune into what I needed.
Spiraling Out Of Control
Which brings us back to the infamous rooftop infinity pool. I recently found an old journal from this season of my life and there was a line in there that read: “I have everything I want and I feel like I can’t breathe. Something isn’t right.”
I remember feeling debilitating anxiety that I hadn’t felt since college, and then shaming myself for being so ungrateful for this life I was living. It was a vicious cycle of anxiety, attack, into a deeper pit of anxiety and stress. That’s the thing about living life for other people though, there will always be resistance and you will continue to spiral into patterns of stress and fear until you listen to your own inner callings.
You see, though my socials showed me #livingmybestlife, if you took a peek underneath the squares you would see being in Thailand with no full time job to go to there was a lot of space for old trauma to come up that I had put in a little box hoping that when I stepped into my dream life it would all just magically disappear because I would be happy. You’d see confusion because Thailand didn’t feel like home, it didn’t even feel close to me. You’d see pure exhaustion because there were so many people to take care of; clients, family, boyfriend, did I even have real life friends anymore!? And most of all you’d see denial, because my big brother was dying, and I was in complete and utter denial.
I worked so hard to build all of my happiness only to find my old friend, the dark cloud that loomed over me. Taunting me with the truth.
The truth? No matter how much external goodness I created, it would never out shadow the inner workings of me. No matter how hard I tried to build happiness, it’s just not something that can be manufactured. No matter how hard I try, I can never please everyone. And no matter how hard I tried, memories will not fall into the abyss.
Full freedom can only exist internally.
I couldn’t breathe because I had created so much space in my life for goodness and was continuing to push down the stories that beckoned at me daily along with the feelings that were “too hard” to face. I had constant anxiety because I was living a life for everyone else and not listening to the only person who mattered… me.
External freedom without the internal foundations feels suffocating.
The Shift Into Full, Feel Good Freedom
Typing this now, I feel more free than ever, and my life looks nothing like a 24/7 Instagram show. I have a homebase, I travel when I want to, I work my business the way I want to at the pace it wants to unfold – no forcing necessary. My big brother since passed away and I was able to spend the best last few weeks with him and manage my grief in such a freeing way. I created myself a little, but mighty, support team as I worked through some trauma. I cultivated friendships that bring me so much joy. And most importantly I live life for me first, and double win here by doing this, I can support everyone in my life from such a better place.
And guess what, I still use social media and love it. I now use it for growth and connection instead of consumption and search engine. I feel like these articles always end with AND NOW DO A MASSIVE SOCIAL MEDIA DETOX TO STOP LETTING IT RULE YOUR LIFE!!! SOCIAL MEDIA IS EVIL!!! If a detox feels good to you, great. If not, find another solution.
Any work you do doesn’t have to be a big dramatic clear out of anything that was toxic for you before, it can look more like a re-evaluation to create new boundaries and intention for those things or even people.
It’s time for you to write your own stories and live them every day.
Because if there’s one thing I learned for sure through this, it’s that: EVERYONE should live a life that is fully free from the weight of old stories, fears, stress. EVERYONE should live their own kind of happy.
I don’t know how your story will go, but I do know three things that helped me to come back to my center and live fully free:
1. Get in line with your values
If you want to write your own freedom filled story without all of the dramatics like me, get in alignment with what is important to YOU. I wasted a lot of time and money in lanes that didn’t make sense for me. If I had just stopped for a moment to check in with if these steps were taking me closer to what I ultimately wanted, I would have avoided some messes. Take some time to review what is important to you and if the way you are living your life right now is reflecting those priorities.
2. Cultivate your feed to feel good
BREAKING NEWS: You have control of your social media feed!!! I know…right?!
If something doesn’t feel good – unfollow.
If something brings on major comparisonitis – unfollow.
If something makes you questions your journey or who you are…
Unfollow, unfollow, unfollow.
It’s not other people’s job to make you feel good, that’s your job. Be aware of what you are consuming, take responsibility over your life and environment.
If you social media leaves you feeling less than, it is time for a clean up. And pay attention to the intentions you have when you go into your social media. Especially if you have an online business. It’s easy to pretend we are getting work done when we get sucked into a scroll, but what are you really doing? Sourcing motivation? Looking for validation? Social media is a wonderful thing. I connected with my soul sisters there, I kickstarted my relationship there with a single Facebook message out of my comfort zone, I built my business on it.
3. Have a BA inner circle!!!
This one was a life saver for me. I built my business with blinders on, it’s easy as an online entrepreneur to think you’re connecting all day since you are talking to people. It is so important to have people that have your back, support you, talk about life things, random things, guilty pleasure things… hello Bachelor Monday friends!
You do not have to do this whole life thing alone.
And there is nothing like the freedom in knowing that you do not walk alone in your humanity.
Get people who will celebrate who you are!
The sooner you realize other people fail, other people mess up, other people have off days… the more you will feel okay with the complete unfolding of your journey.
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